GRIEF PORN
Sorry to be vulgar, but I’m using pop songs like porn: quick relief for my grief.
And by I relief I don’t mean I seek relief from the feeling, but more the release of feeling it.
It’s easy to disconnect, disassociate, carry on, be strong in grief.
Many people have either praised me for being strong or expected me to be strong. “For the children”. “I know you’re strong”.
But not only will break if I forget to feel my grief, if I store it up for later as so many do, but everyday life requires stoicism which can dry up the tears.
Enter pop music.
The single song I chose to play after my eulogy to Alaric at his funeral was Dionne Warwick’s “Heartbreaker”.
It worked on the day. It felt right. The power of lyrics, voice, structure: a good pop song cuts through anything.
Since then I have been adding to a playlist of all the songs which capture my sadness right now.
It’s a changing playlist but it’s vital for one key reason: when I find myself feeling normal, sounding normal, getting stuff done, grief hovers like a bottomless pit at the periphery.
Rather than avoid it: I need it. This pit of despair is my love, our family loss, his present absence. I don’t want everyday life to edge it out.
Yet falling apart and doing nothing is neither an option nor what I want.
Those who are dead are not dead, they’re just living in my head
So I play pop songs. In the car between dog walk or meeting. In the bath. As I wash up. I play songs which instantly trigger the bottomless pit - for a minute.
Here’s my current playlist: Yes, some of it’s cheesy. But they all punch my solar plexus emotionally and prove a reliable shortcut to what I need more not less of: tears.
Coldplay - 42, All My Love
Carole King - So Far Away
Barry Manilow - Even Now
Corinne Bailey Mae - Like a Star
Indigo Girls - Ghost
Red Box - Stay
Tracy Thorn - Too Happy
Gladys Knight & the Pips - Midnight Train to Georgia
BIllie Holiday - I’ll be Seeing You
Ten songs. Two of them Coldplay: they made death and loss and the proximity to life mainstream with their album Viva La Vida in 2008…
This was me yesterday. I achieved a lot at work, at home, I dressed for spring - and I cried ten times.
Maybe “porn” I'd rather misleading. I don’t desire grief and I don’t want it over quickly. Because it is part of me now.
I'm building it up, layering it.
Working through it. To music.
Not grief porn perhaps.
Grief Pop.
Thanks for sharing, I guess grief is never "over" so you have to allow yourself whatever you need each day. I went to a funeral yesterday of the husband of a long time acquaintance, and the final song was Ribbon in the Sky by Stevie Wonder. I love that song (and Stevie) anyway, but it has been in my head ever since whilst I think of her and the kids - music is such a tonic during tough times.
Dearest Julia, You're doing all the right things! Trying to soldier on, all the time, 'being tough' as if you're not crying inside, will always come back to bite you.
You have had an indescribable sudden loss of a beloved husband, and your grief is profound. But it's also OK to do the ordinary things. To smile, laugh and find enjoyment, even when grief sits on your shoulder and at times gnaws at your very core.
I love your playlist idea. Keep adding to it. When my mother died suddenly, I put 'Unforgettable' at the top of my list, because she was always singing it. But old as the song is, I love the lyrics and soothing melody. For Tim, it was the old Motown song I associated with him, 'How Sweet it is To Be Loved by You.' And so it goes ...
If you ever feel like a wander in the Parliament Hills Farmers Market one Saturday, give me a call.
BTW, I LOVE the pinks!
Lots of love
Susan xx